I am too analytical for my own good. I ponder what it means to be a woman, especially in light of the feminist ideals that I openly embrace. But when I consider the realities of my existence in comparison to feminist notions that I espouse as well as teach, I can't reconcile them.
The end result is pure confusion: disheartening self deprecation that makes me want to curl into a ball and die. How is it that the mind leads me in one direction but the heart takes 15 steps backwards towards a space of contradiction? The only mode of communication in the land of feminist tropes is stifled self-expression codified into nonsense jargon of obfuscation. Inhabitants such as myself know nothing in the space of feminist contradiction except for the split object of ambivalence.
I could write endless examples: I am a feminist's worst nightmare who sees the world through a feminist lens. I live for clothes, shoes, purses and makeup. I am on a perpetual diet. I dye my hair to cover the 5 grays on my head. I am in a heterosexual relationship. I have aspirations to make tons of money because being poor doesn't afford me the luxuries of Clinique, Louis Vuitton, Coach, Estee Lauder and Gucci. I would get Lipo if I could afford it. I love rap music (west coast rap, that is). The nail shop is my comfort zone. The contradictions go on and on.
On the contrary, I hate cooking, cleaning, and anything domestic. I have no desire to marry. I don't even know if I want to have kids. I pay someone else to do my laundry, I eat at restaurants most of the time (that is, when I actually decide to eat in spite of my perpetual diet), and absolutely hate the grocery store. I don't even want a pet to care for in lieu of children. Every time I encounter someone of the opposite sex, all I can think of is the unequal power dynamics between men and women and analyze how their operative force influences that given moment.
So the question remains, how can contradictions be reconciled when they characterize every moment of lived experience? Is feminism eating me alive, or are the unbalanced scales of gender in society and interpersonal relationships making me insane?
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